Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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