party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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