btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
