Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
