We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Alive.
So much puke
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize