im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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