If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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