I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
