Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize