I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
3 2 1 whiskey
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
