Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize