Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
