I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
