The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
