There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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