Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Every concussion has its silver lining
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I can't turn off my feet"
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
