i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
