I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
