he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize