I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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