dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
