Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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