you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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