Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
