I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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