Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
