I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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