Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Randomize
