my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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