I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
