he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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