I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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