I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
How does one acquire holy water?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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