and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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