I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
