fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize