i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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