i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
