The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
