haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just sent this text using only my big toe
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
