I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Randomize
