I wanna bring you to show and tell
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
