he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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