if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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