Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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