I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
