My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
