I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
