I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize