just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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