shes about as inviting as chlamydia
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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