Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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