he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
