I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize