Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
