Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
