Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
