I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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