At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
