Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
