So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Two words: nipple clamps
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