Your tits are I can't wait for
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
